A Horse with a Broken Leg

Sometimes the pain does not pass.

Part I

Damn it. Where did this rock even come from? Whatever, whatever, it is fine.

No, no. My leg…

I think I might have hurt it a little, but it is probably nothing serious. How much damage can a simple rock even do to my leg? It hurts a bit, but it will pass. It always passes. It is not like this is the first time I have fallen.

Although honestly, I cannot remember it ever hurting this much. Maybe I should wait a bit.

No, no, that will not work. Jack is nearby. He did not see me fall, but if he notices me standing still or limping, he will get suspicious.

The same thing happened to our old Joseph. I never forget it. The poor horse tripped only once, and Jack panicked so badly. Then he took him somewhere far away from us. At first I thought they took him because he needed rest or a vet, but when months passed and he still had not come back, I understood that the situation was serious.

Did they kill him, I wonder? No. Jack loved him. He would never do something like that.

At least I hope he did not.

Jack always treated us all well. He has no one but us anyway, so he spends his whole day with us. He has never hurt us. Not once has he used a whip on us, even though the horses from the neighboring farms tell me every time how their owners punish them.

Whatever, I am delaying again. I should keep moving so Jack does not get worried.

It hurts so much when I put weight on this leg, but I can endure it, I think. If I just keep going until I get home, I can rest there without drawing too much attention. Maybe I simply need a little rest. Right, there is no need to exaggerate like this. Why did I immediately start thinking such things? It is just ordinary pain.

Ah, it really hurts, though. To be honest, this will not be that easy. Damn it. Whatever, whatever, enough complaining. I am a strong horse. At least I should be. Jack always says how strong I am and that he has never once seen me tired. If I start crying this much over something this simple, then what is the point of those words?

But damn it, it hurts. With every step it feels like the bone is piercing further through my skin, as if a sharp knife stood in place of my leg. I keep leaning hard to the right because it takes some of the pain off my left leg, but I should not make it too obvious. I am almost there. I just need to endure a little more, and then I can finally stand somewhere without stepping on this knife.

And the cursed sun seems to have been waiting for this very day. How can the weather be like this? Normally it is never like this. Sometimes it gets hot, sure, it is summer after all, but I have never felt like my whole body was on fire. Whatever, I should not complain about everything.

But it hurts so much. At least let me be honest with myself. Ah… I cannot get Joseph’s crying out of my head. I wonder if he felt this same pain. If he did, I would understand him very well. But no, that cannot be. Joseph was very strong. He never complained about anything, not even once. I saw with my own eyes how many things he endured.

I was never like him. I complain about everything, all the time. Not that Jack ever saw it. He expects a lot from me, so I stayed quiet around him so he would not feel bad, but the moment he walked away, I would start grumbling. I should do the same now. Let me get a little farther away, and then I can cry as much as I want. For now I must endure.

Maybe the pain will pass by the time I get home. Okay, quietly. Right, left… ahh, never mind, keep going. Right… left, right, left… Yes, it hurts, but I think I am doing well enough. No one can tell that I am in pain. Maybe if someone looked very closely, but I have given no one any reason to look closely. I just need to keep going like this. Sooner or later it will pass.

***

It did not pass.

Maybe I moved too much and slowed down the healing. Maybe. But now I am in the stable. Here I can rest as if nothing happened. I just need some water. Then a good sleep. I remember Joseph once told me there is nothing a good sleep cannot solve.

Oh, finally, water.

At least now I can put the scorching sun aside and worry only about my leg. If I could just find a comfortable spot… yes, here. If I lie down here for a bit, it will be perfect.

Oh, now I can be more comfortable.

Damn it, it still hurts, though. It feels like I am lying on sharp knives instead of hay. Still, it is better than standing on my leg. After living through the most painful minutes of your life, any other pain becomes more bearable, I guess. A little sleep, and then everything will be better. I can feel it.

Ah, Joseph. I hope that somewhere you also found a very good sleep that healed all your pain. I am so tired. Lying down near the water was a good idea. Whenever I want, I can drink without moving much. But why am I even thinking about this? When I wake up, the pain will be lighter anyway, and I will not need this kind of comfort. Just close your eyes, think of nice things and rest. Everything will be alright. The pain will pass too.

***

Why is it so hard to open my eyes?

Wait, did the sun set, or can I still not open my eyes properly? That is impossible. I only closed my eyes a little while ago. At least that is how it feels to me. I never get this thing called time right anyway. So many times I have made Jack worry because of it. Sometimes, without noticing, I wander around on my own for a very long time, and then I see Jack anxiously searching for me. When he finally finds me, he says something loudly, laughing and angry at the same time, and after those words I can feel that he is relieved.

Not that I understand what he says. I wish there were some way to understand how humans talk. Life would be so much easier. Sometimes their voices and their actions do not really match, and then everything gets even more confusing for us. You cannot tell whether you did something wrong, or they want something from you, or it is something else entirely.

Oh no. If I slept too long, Jack will think something happened to me and he will want to come and check. I need to get up quickly and carry on with a normal day.

Ah, my leg… How is this possible? It hurt less before. Then what was all that sleep for? Why is it still not passing? Joseph said it would get better.

Maybe it is just the sleep. Sometimes after waking up everything feels even stranger. There have been plenty of days when I felt as if I had woken up in another horse’s body. But no, this time is different. This feeling does not look like it will pass.

No, what am I doing? If I wait here any longer, Jack will think something happened to me again. Maybe he already came while I was asleep and saw me lying here in pain. No, if he had seen that something was wrong with me, he surely would not have left me alone like this. That means I am still managing not to draw attention. Now I just need to keep it up. Usually at this hour I wander around the yard a bit more. I can do that again. But with this pain, I have no idea how long I can bear it.

At least the sun has set. It will not torture me like this morning.

Right, time to get up. If I can get up with this pain, of course. Let me endure a bit more. Feeding time is coming soon anyway, and after that it will be easy. Now, time to get up.

One, two, three… Ahh… Having this much trouble is not a good sign at all. Whatever. The main thing is that I am standing.

***

The weather is really nice today. At least I can say something positive about this day. I am not sure I would have the strength to fight the heat as well in this state. I do not think I can even control how I step anymore. Maybe I have been limping like a lame horse this whole time.

And still not a sound from Jack. He has not even turned his face my way today. I do not know how I should feel about that.

It does help me in a way, because I can hide my leg better. But by now I do not even know what I am hiding, from whom, and why. At first I thought it was just a twisted leg. I thought I would sleep a little and it would all pass, and that is why I did not want Jack to worry about me.

But now the pain is many times worse than this morning, and I have almost no faith left that it will somehow pass on its own.

Maybe now, more than healing, I need a little care. A little love.

If Jack would just come over and do something that meant “do not worry, everything will pass”, I would feel so relieved.

I remember how frantic Jack became when Joseph’s pain started. For days he did not leave his side. It was the first time I ever saw him sleep there with us.

But when the same thing happens to me, no one cares…

To be honest, Joseph was a much stronger and better horse than me. He beat me at almost everything. Yet he never saw himself as above me. He treated me as kindly as he could and always gave me advice on how I could do things better.

Maybe that is why he mattered more to Jack than I do.

Actually, none of us knows what happened to Joseph, so maybe it is better for me that way. I am sure he found some way out again. I cannot even imagine him giving in to any kind of pain. But if he told me he had the same pain I have now and could not bear it, I would never blame him. This really is a terrible pain. I have done nothing today, yet this pain has worn me out so much that it feels like the most exhausting day of my life.

Maybe the same thing that happened to Joseph has happened to me. And if so, then whatever happened to him will happen to me too.

And the real question is this. Why did we never see Joseph again? Maybe he… No, no. I do not even want to let that into my mind. He is the strongest horse I have ever known. I cannot compare what he went through with what I am going through.

Ugh, these questions tire me more than my leg does.

Damn you, Jack. Where are you? Why do you not come and look at me even once? I am not asking you for anything special. I just want you to come and see me, to feel how much I am suffering, and to help me somehow. The pain does not even have to go away completely. If you would at least show some interest in me, maybe my hope that I will heal, that everything will be alright again, would come back to life.

So what if Joseph was better than me? Do I not deserve even a little attention?

How can you be this indifferent to me, Jack?

I no longer have the strength to pretend nothing happened. I do not even have the strength to walk, limping. And you, who knows what you are busy with, some pointless job.

That is it. This is my final decision. If you do not want to come and see my pain, fine. I will come to you myself and show it to you!

I am coming. Unless, of course, the pain in my leg kills me before I get there!

Part II

Damn it. He fell badly. Whatever, whatever, it is fine.

He got back up, and that can count as a good sign. Still, there seems to be some confusion and pain in the way he is running. He did not stop, though. If it really hurt, he would have stopped, right? I hope he did not realize I saw him. Otherwise, I am sure he would act like nothing happened just to hide his pain from me. He has done this since he was a foal. I have no idea who he learned it from.

He probably just hit his leg on a rock. If it hurts a little, it will pass.

Ah, Ronin, be careful, please.

I do not want to lose you too, after Joseph.

Poor horse. I still do not know how he broke his leg like that, out of nowhere. You could read the pain in his eyes. I still cannot believe that in this world we have lived in for more than two thousand years, we have not found a cure for a horse’s leg. I went to so many vets, hoping that one of them would somehow suggest something different, but every single one of them told me the situation was very bad and that I should give up hope completely.

In the first days I thought maybe, if he stayed still and I looked after him constantly, we could manage somehow. But seeing how he suffered day after day, I realized how cruel a choice that was. When I took him for euthanasia, he did not take his eyes off me, not even for a second. Behind that gaze I saw not the slightest complaint, no anger, only a helpless fear. He did not even put up a struggle. It was as if he somehow understood what was going to happen and had made peace with it.

To see the strongest, most stubborn, most determined creature I had ever known weaken so suddenly that he could make peace with an end like that… I do not know any words that can express those feelings. I guess the tears I cried that day were the best translation of them.

Whatever. Remembering that day again does no one any good.

Ronin is slowly heading home. I think I noticed a bit of limping in his run, but it would not be right to decide anything yet. It is normal for him anyway. He jumps around so much that falls like this now and then are unavoidable. This is probably just one of those times. I do not know why I suddenly got this feeling. Let him go and rest a bit, and he will be himself again.

There is no point in going to him now. If he sees me worried, he will think something serious happened to him and panic even more. If I see that the situation is serious… then, I do not know, I will think of something. There is no need to prepare myself for that right now.

Eh, Ronin, maybe you are not as strong or as enduring as Joseph, but when it comes to stubbornness, you are not one bit behind him. And in mischief, I do not believe any horse could compete with you. Ha ha, yes, one hundred percent. You will be fine, I know it. You still have plenty of trouble to put me through. What is this compared to that?

It is true, I love you and Joseph both very much, each in a different way, and each of you has his own place in me. Joseph was more like a friend to me, because we were around the same age when we met. We grew up together and went through life together, all its bitterness and all its sweetness. That is why I could stay calmer whenever something happened to him, because I knew there was no burden he could not carry, literally or figuratively. Maybe that is exactly why losing him was so hard for me. I never saw it coming. When you see someone who always stood against everything like a solid rock suddenly become frail and powerless one day, all your beliefs and expectations are turned upside down.

Maybe that is why I get so worried now at the smallest thing that happens to Ronin. I have come to know well how weak a body can be and how real death is.

Eh, Ronin, Joseph may have been a friend to me, but you were like a child to me. I remember the day I first found you so well. How small and clueless you were. You were spinning around on your own, and when I called you, at first you hesitated, but that hesitation lasted only a few minutes. How can anyone trust a human that quickly, Ronin?

Even back then you were so pure hearted, but I have to admit, you were never a coward. I remember you at every size, but no matter how big or small you were, I do not remember you ever being afraid of anything, or shying away from anything. Maybe Joseph taught you well, but I think he also learned a lot from you. I only ever saw that sad look in his eyes after he left your side. Maybe that alone explains a lot.

Losing a friend wounds a person very deeply. It did not take me long to learn that. But how it feels to lose a child, that is something I cannot even bear to think of learning.

Whatever. Here I am again, preparing myself for the worst of everything. I really need to break this habit.

Let me go do some work. Maybe it will keep my mind busy. Then I will come back and check on him, see that everything is fine, and relax a little.

***

It is already getting dark. Why has this kid still not gotten up? Usually at this time he would have been out in the yard long ago, playing with the other animals, drinking water, coming over to me now and then. He is not one to sleep much, normally. He probably needed extra rest because of the pain. That happens. Still, let me go and check, just in case.

Let me get up, slowly. Wait, I think the door moved. Yes, there he is, Ronin, himself!

Why do I always worry for no reason? Everything is fine.

But wait, why is he moving so slowly? His leg… no. This does not look like ordinary limping. This is…

Damn it! No, no, no, this cannot be. I cannot live through the same thing again. He is barely putting his left leg on the ground. With every step his whole body leans to one side. Just like Joseph. Even his breathing is like his. He breathes through his nose, but he is suffering so much that it sounds less like breathing and more like heavy sighing.

What do I do? What can I do? Ugh, I do not know. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. At least, I hope I am.

He still has not seen me. Maybe that is exactly why he is limping so openly. I am afraid that if I go to him, he will hurt himself even more trying to look strong. If what I fear has really happened to him, trying to put weight on that leg will cause him unbearable pain.

Let me give him a bit more time. Maybe he is still not fully awake. If I go to him before I get hold of myself, I will only scare him more. He is a very smart horse. He reads my feelings so easily and reacts right away.

Ugh, I do not know. I wish I could be as brave as they are.

Joseph lived through the most painful thing that can happen to a horse, and still, until his very last moment, I never once saw him lose his courage. I say I never saw it, because I do not know how he behaved when he was alone. Maybe he was afraid too. That would be a perfectly normal reaction. Which of us knows how to act when we feel death close by?

Maybe instead of thinking about death, he simply felt happy for the life he had lived. That might be a rather optimistic thought, but it is still a possibility worth thinking about.

What I know for sure is that I was terribly afraid of losing him. And now I feel the same fear. Even more, because this time I know what I am going to live through. It might be a selfish thought, but maybe seeing someone you love die is even more frightening than understanding that you yourself will die. In the end, the ones who die do not have to struggle with the emptiness they leave behind. That is a burden set aside for us to carry.

Maybe that is an unfair way to see it. Maybe, just as we mourn them, they also mourn themselves in their final moments. I do not know.

All I know is that, either way, these are the heaviest feelings there are to feel.

I have been frozen in place for so long now. I talk about how hard these feelings are, yet I have left that poor kid alone inside his own.

How stupid of me, as if ignoring what is happening could change anything. Instead, if I were by his side, if we could at least live through this together and carry this burden together, maybe it would be easier for both of us.

Ugh, and here I am, still standing in place, thinking all this.

Wait, I am coming, Ronin. Endure a little more, please.

Part III

Damn it. My leg is killing me now. But there is no stopping, Jack has to see everything. Yes, there you are, finally I see you. Wait, I am almost there, look at the state I have been in all this time, and you do not even care. Yes, now you see it, right? Come a bit closer, wait, I am almost there. One moment, why are you not surprised? You were actually coming toward me, and I thought our paths just happened to cross. Jack… your eyes… I remember this look. Of course, how could I forget, you looked at Joseph the same way, Jack. No… how could you understand this so quickly? Do not tell me you have known all along. Do not tell me all that effort I put into hiding was for nothing. But wait, that is not the point right now. Jack, why are you looking at me like that, with that fear and sadness on your face… Do not tell me what I was afraid of is real. Damn it. Will he do to me what he did to Joseph? Please, no, I do not want that.

Yes, Ronin, I know, my friend, I know. Ugh, up close your leg looks even worse. I should have come to you in time, what an idiot I am. Why did you stop, Ronin, why are you looking at me like that? My worry shows that much, does it? You are far too smart a horse. I wish you were not, maybe everything would be easier now. Ugh, that look… how much you look like Joseph. I never noticed it before. I even used to think that apart from both being horses, the two of you had nothing in common. Wait, I am coming, my friend, you do not have to be alone anymore. No, you do not have to move, do not put more weight on your leg. Of course you will not stay still, what was I thinking. You understand me so well that sometimes I forget you cannot actually understand what I say. Eh, alright, come on then, I am almost there anyway.

Jack, Jack, forgive me, I thought you had forgotten me, but now I understand. Do not worry, I am fine, nothing happened to me, look, I can still walk. I am not like Joseph, Jack, I am fine, do not worry. Do not look at my leg, there is no need, I am fine.

Ah, Ronin, what happened all of a sudden, why are you so restless? Do not be afraid, my friend, do not be afraid, just let me look at your leg a little. Yes, calm down, it is nothing, let me look. Just like that, good boy. Ugh, ugh, yes, I was not wrong. His leg is very badly broken. How can you still walk like this, no one can endure this pain. You may read me from my face, but I know you well too, Ronin. I can see all the pain on yours, my little friend. Poor kid, how can you endure so much pain?

It is bad, right, Jack? This is the first time I have seen you try to stop me, but you are right, I am tired. Very tired. Ah, when I do not move my leg, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I wish you had stopped me earlier, why did I have to put myself through so much? It hurts, it still hurts, this cursed leg, it hurts so much. Did Joseph feel like this too, Jack? I wish you could understand my questions, maybe then I would feel a little calmer. Help me, Jack, I do not know what to do.

I understand you, Ronin, I understand. I cannot even imagine your pain, but I can understand what you feel. Do not worry, you will not have to live with this pain for long. I cannot make the same mistake with you that I made with Joseph. Ugh, my eyes are already filling with tears, but how could I hold them back?

You are crying, Jack? You are crying. Forgive me, Jack, I could not stay strong, I could not endure like Joseph. You have always treated me well, and now I am letting you down.

Forgive me, Ronin, I could not protect you. After losing Joseph I should have been more careful, but I never expected this to happen. You have always been a good horse to me, but I could not look after you the way I should have.

Jack… Joseph died, right, Jack? He did not disappear, he just died. How did I not understand this before? Only now do I see it. Ah, Jack, that is why you were so down for so long. Now all the stones in my head are settling into place. And now I am making you live through the same thing again, it seems. I am going to die too, am I not? Ah, I wish you could understand me and answer me, Jack.

Ah, Ronin, I do not know how I will be able to send you to your death. We have lived through so much together, we have so many beautiful memories… But they will always stay with me, Ronin, just like the ones with Joseph have stayed with me. You may not be here anymore, but everything about you will stay with me, Ronin. I know this means nothing to you, but it is the only thing that keeps me on my feet. Come here, let me hold you, Ronin.

Jack? You are hugging me, Jack? But you never liked hugging, Jack. I guess this is your way of saying “yes” to my question. I understand. So this is where my story ends. Eh, what can I do now? There is no use in being afraid either. When Joseph said a good sleep would solve everything, maybe this is not what he meant, but I remember he once told me that dying is just like sleeping. So I will try to be brave like him. My story may have ended quickly, but because I lived it together with you, I can feel at peace. Thank you for everything, Jack, for always taking good care of me, for never leaving me alone, for making me feel loved. Yes, Jack, thank you so much for everything.

Ah, Ronin, my son, thank you so much for everything, for never leaving me alone, for never causing me any pain, for being the smartest and softest hearted creature I have ever known. I love you, Ronin, and even when you are gone, I will keep on loving you. Thank you so much for everything, Ronin.

If I were born into this world again, I would choose you as my father again, Jack. Thank you so much!